Jillian Anna Golden entered this world on August 28th. She is perfect in every way. I was induced and had a successful epidural. (Thank God). It was a short labor as I was already dilated and she came out crying and fiesty just like a Golden baby.
However since we have been home my dad has taken a turn for the worse. Dementia is an awful disease. It takes your mind and dignity. It is terrible for the care giver as well. I do things I never thought I would do and not without complaint. I do not claim to be a perfect person. This is hard work and I am not liking one minute of it.
My mind goes between being angry and just sadness for the situation. I feel defeated and unable to continue the journey of caregiver but then guilt overcomes me and I am sad that I feel unable to continue because I love him so much.
The hardest part is that the man I called Dad all these years is already gone and there is just a shell there. But without actual death it is impossible to close the book and mourn properly. Tears come often but they are sometimes out of grief and sometimes just out of frustration.
I can tell myself that he can't help his behavior but understanding that in my mind is not always possible.
This is the circle of life... As I care for Jillian as she enters life I also care for Dad as he prepares to exit life. What exactly are the golden years?
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